360 and Some More Turns

This blog entry has taken many twists and turns. I better write it now before another turn is added to the journey.

Just two weeks ago this post was going to be a celebration on how I finally came to the decision that I needed to leave my current company. I had been struggling with the decision for more than a year. Do I stay with the company and see how things change? Do I start over at a new company? What do I want to do for my career long term? My feelings were so mixed.

But then one day it seemed to just suddenly become clear: I needed to leave. I needed to spread my wings and fly. I wish I had a concrete explanation on how the revelation happened but sadly I do not. It literally just happened. I was at ease with the decision  and had such clarity. I started to apply for jobs and was finally excited to begin a new chapter in life.

But then the first turn happened.

The producer of my company’s live events told me that she was leaving. This was a shocked to me since I had worked with her for about a year on an event series that was dear to my heart. What would happen to this event series?  But what was really shocking was that she nominated me to take over her roll.

I had no words to say. I had FINALLY come to a place where I was happy to leave. Again, it had taken me a year to get to this place and my mind was already away from my current company and exploring new horizons. Now, in a 180 turn, it seemed that I was being called right back to the place I was trying to escape.

This had to be a sign right? What were the odds! A whole department left and I was was nominated to take the lead. This had to be my moment.  I allowed myself to become cautiously optimistic. I started to slowly get excited as I thought  of the many new things I would learn and how this could help me further in my career down the line. But I did have the feeling that my boss, and others, would not allow me to do it. But my co worker had nominated me to the CEO, he had to say yes?

No. Another 180 turn and I was back at the beginning.  I was denied the position and I was not to help with future live company events. This rejection really hurt me. I had been denied the same position the year before and it opened old wounds.

Now I feel like I am even further back than when this whole thing started. I have gone from being convinced, and then reminded again, to leave. But now I feel lost. I am back debating what to do.

The only thing I know for sure is to keep going forward and see where the next turn leads.